“Mon?” Phoebe yelled, coming into the house one Saturday. “Monica? Kendra? You’ll never guess what!”

“Pheebs?” Monica replied, appearing at the top of the stairs.

“Hey, Mon!” Phoebe greeted her. “Good day?”

“Ugh,” Monica groaned. “Shawn’s got a cold, and Chandler couldn’t get the day off work, so I had to stay with him. That kid can moan!”

“Well, I had a great day,” Phoebe smiled. “Joey asked me out.”

“Phoebe!” Monica squealed. “Seriously? And, what, you said yes, right?”

“Uh, yeah!” Phoebe replied, as if Monica was stupid. “Of course!”

“Right,” Monica laughed. “So, uh, you excited? I mean – this is huge! It’s great, but it’s so huge!”

“Uh huh,” Phoebe nodded. “Now, all we need is for you to fall in love with Chandler…”

That lunchtime, Phoebe made an announcement about her date. “I’m going on a date with Joey,” she said, smiling.

“Bloody hell,” Alice replied.

“Alice!” Chandler rebuked her, and turned to Phoebe. “Wow, seriously, Pheebs?”

“Wiv Uncle Joey?” Shawn said, softly.

“Uh huh,” Phoebe said. “He asked me today.”

“That’s great, Auntie Pheebs,” Kendra told her. “But, uh, what about Ryan?”

“Oh, he’s gay,” said Phoebe, calmly.

“What?” Monica exploded. “And you never told us? Pheebs!”

“Yeah, no, well, these things, they just slip your mind,” Phoebe replied. “It’s not that big a deal…”

“Not that big a deal?” Monica repeated.

“Who’s Ryan?” Alice hissed to Kendra. “I never ’eard of ’im before.”

“This guy she used to date,” Kendra answered. “Nice guy.”

“Wow, it’s been ages since I last had a date,” Monica groused. “Gotta be getting on for five years now.”

“Five years?” Chandler said, awe-struck.

“Well, I’ve got Kendra, it’s hard,” Monica defended herself. “And, of course, I mean, not that many guys want to date a single mom with a d—” She stopped suddenly. She hadn’t forgotten Kendra’s complex about her father not wanting her because of her disability. “With a daughter,” she amended herself.

Kendra scowled. She knew what her mother had meant to say… and it hurt. She knew that it had just been a thoughtless slip of the tongue, but still. She wanted so much to be able to run around, and play football with Ben, and to swim properly, rather than just lying limp in the water. And she wanted to be accepted for what she was – Kendra, not just a disabled girl. A cripple.

“So, uh, Joey asked you out?” Chandler said, trying to break the uncomfortable silence. “Well, you’re a lucky gal, Pheebs.”

“Huh? Why?” Phoebe asked.

“Oh, Joey was one of the most in-demand guys around back in England,” Chandler explained.

“Yeah, different girl ev’ry day o’ the week,” Alice added. “You don’t get too ’tatched ter him, Phoebe, cos ’e’ll just dump yer like the rest of ’um.”

“He won’t,” Phoebe said, staunchly. “He told me that he liked me, and he’d never felt that way about anyone before.”

Chandler and Alice shared a look. Phoebe caught it, and glared at them. “What?”

“Pheebs, as much as we love Joey, he isn’t exactly a model of how to treat women,” Chandler said, delicately. “He says that to almost every girl he dates.”

Phoebe shook her head. “I know. It’ll be okay. This time he’ll be different.”

Alice was sitting in her room, looking at old photos and humming to herself, when Kendra rolled in.

“Hey, Alice,” she greeted her.

“Hi,” Alice said, in a voice barely above a whisper. She continued humming.

“What’s the song?” Kendra asked.

“Song?” Alice said, waking from her reverie. “Oh, that! ’S not a proper one, least I don’t think it is. Just one me n me friends used ter sing.”

“What is it?” Kendra queried.

“Oh, uh, Charlie ’ad a pigeon,” Alice replied. “We sang it in France.” Off Kendra’s look, she explained herself. “When we went ter France wi’ school, see.” She began singing. “Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon, a pigeon, Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon he had. He flew through the day an’ he flew through the night, an’ when he got back he was covered in— Charlie had a pigeon—”

Kendra laughed. “Great song.” She craned her head to see the pictures. “Who’re they?”

Alice looked. “Those, them’s me best friends, and that, is me mom. She were really pretty. Dad just adored ’er.” She looked up. “Anyways, why’re you ’ere? You don’t normally come in so late.”

“Well…” Kendra hesitated. “I was wondering. Mom seemed so, well, out of it, today, about Pheebs having a date an’ all, that, well, I thought maybe we should try an’ set Mom up with someone.”

“Yeah!” Alice agreed. “Wicked! Who?”

“That’s just it,” Kendra said. “I was thinking, maybe, you’d have an idea.”

Alice thought for a moment. “Hey, how ’bout that guy she works with… that, uh, that woss ’is name, that Gunther? Yuh reckon that’ud work?”

“Gunther?” Kendra replied. “Woah, I, uh, I never thought of that. He’s single, I guess. And, well, he likes Mom, and she likes him, yeah! It’d be perfect!”

“So, uh, how’d we get ’em to go on a date?” asked Alice.

“Well, every month, Gunther comes round to discuss menus with Mom,” Kendra mused. “Maybe… that should be soon.”

“So, if we, like, put out candles an’ stuff, and set it up with a real romanticky feel,” Alice continued.

“And ka-boom, you’ve got yourself instant love!” Kendra finished, laughing.

“D’ya really think it’ll work?” Alice queried.

“Maybe,” Kendra said, evasively. “Yeah, it might. But, y’know, Gunther’s always had this thing for Aunt Rachel.”

“Did they date?”

“Nah. They wouldn’t have had time to, anyway,” Kendra added. “I mean, Aunt Rachel was married to Uncle Ross by the time she was eighteen.”

“Eighteen?” Alice repeated. “Wow, that is young! My mum weren’t married ’til she were in ’er twenties.”

“Still pretty young,” Kendra observed.

“Yeah, but she were havin’ me, so nana an’ gran said she ’ad ter,” Alice explained.

Monica entered the room at this point. “Hey, girls,” she greeted them. “Ross and Rachel are coming round any minute now, with Joey and the kids, so if you wanna see Ben…”

“Uh huh,” Kendra replied, and the two went out to meet Ben, who had heard all about Joey and Phoebe’s date, and loved the idea of getting Monica and Gunther together.

“But will he like it?” Ben pointed out. “I mean, he’s got that thing for Mom, hasn’t he?”

“You know about that?” Kendra said, aghast.

“Yeah, it’s kinda obvious,” Ben said, laughing at his cousin’s expression. “Anyways, Ken, will Monica like it, as well? I mean, I reckon she’s still got the hots for your dad.”

Kendra started. “Wh-what?”

“Whenever anyone mentions him, she goes bright red – ’specially over the past couple weeks,” he added. “You must’ve noticed!”

“I have,” Alice put in. “Either she still likes ’im, or ’e’s someone she knows, and she thinks everyone’s gonna find out who ’e is.”

“Whom,” Ben corrected.

“Okay. Whom ’e is,” Alice repeated. “But, serious, is that only recent that she does that?”

Kendra was silent. She hadn’t realised that everyone else was able to read Monica’s expressions so easily.

“Yeah,” Ben replied. “Like, uh, well, started just before you guys came, I guess.” He paused, thinking. “Hey! Maybe it’s Chandler or Joey!” He and Alice laughed, obviously finding the idea hilarious. Kendra forced a little laugh too, just in case they noticed anything.

“I’m sure it’s just coincidence,” she said.

“Yeah,” Alice agreed. “I mean, c’mon, Joey? He never even came to America before now. Or me dad? ’E was engaged to me mum thirteen years ago. No way!”

“Yeah,” Kendra said, weakly. “Good one, Ben.” Inwardly, she was thinking that it would be best to tell Ben then and there, to try and avoid any further confrontations like this.

“So, when’s Gunther coming round?” Ben asked.

“No idea,” Kendra replied. “I’ll have to ask Mom.”

“No, don’t,” Alice cautioned. “She’ll just get sus. Ask Phoebe.”

“Phoebe won’t know,” scoffed Ben. “Wait ’til Monica tells you, Kendy. Doesn’t she normally say something?”

“Yeah, she normally arranges for your mom and dad to look after me for the evening, or for Pheebs to take you and me out somewhere,” Kendra said, thoughtfully. “And she does that about a week before it happens.”

“So, wait ’til then, and then we’ll plan,” Ben told her. “This’ll be great!”

“I know,” Kendra replied. “Mom needs a date once in a while.”

Sure enough, two days later, Monica told the rest of the household to clear out. “Gunther’s coming round to do menus next Wednesday,” she explained. “So we’ll need quiet – and much as I love you guys, you’re not quiet! I thought I’d give you plenty of notice, so you could get stuff planned for the day.”

They laughed. “Pity it’s in vacation, really,” Kendra said, sharing glances with Alice. “Otherwise, you’d have had the house to yourself anyways.”

“I’ve got Shawn in a little summer day camp thing,” Chandler told the gang. “He won’t be bothering you – and I’ll have to work that day. What about you and the girls, Pheebs?”

“I’ll take them somewhere,” Phoebe replied. “A movie, some food, the park, how’s that sound?”

Kendra and Alice nodded. “Wicked,” Alice summed up their feelings.

That dinnertime, Ben arrived to join them. “What’s happening with the Monica Project?” he asked.

“Next Wednesday,” Alice told him.

“We’ve got heaps to do,” Kendra bubbled. “Food, candles, timing!”

“Well, you usually leave just when Gunther arrives, right?” Ben checked. “So, all you’ll have to do is, uh, get the food and stuff ready in the dining room, cos that’s where they’ll work, and then just let Gunther in, and show him into the room.”

“Perfect!” Kendra praised. “Now let’s think… candles. Have your mom and dad got some, Ben?”

“I guess,” Ben replied. “They have these icky romantic nights in, sometimes, so I bet they’ve got them. I’ll have a check round.”

“Food,” Alice mused. “Take-away, perhaps?”

“Take-away? Like, pizza?” Kendra asked.

“Yeah – or fish and chips,” Alice added. “My dad proposed to my mum over a pack of fish an’ chips.”

“That’s too British,” Ben replied. “Where you gonna find a fish and chip shop, Allie?”

“I think pizza sounds good,” Kendra put in. “Cheap, easy to get, and everyone likes it.”

They began to finalise their plans, and set up for the big day. On Wednesday, Monica began cleaning, totally unaware of Ben, Alice and Kendra, who were lighting candles in the dining room, and trying to make it look “romantic”.

At twelve-fifteen, the doorbell rang. “Pizza!” Ben cried, and ran to open it. He paid the delivery guy, and ran back with the pizza.

“Ben?” Monica called. “Who was at the door?”

Ben left the dining room, and faltered. “Oh, uh, that-that was, a – a double glazing sales guy,” he said, thanking his lucky stars for the inspiration.

“Huh. Pity I didn’t get it,” Monica said.

“Why?”

“We need new windows,” she said, thoughtfully. “Did he leave a card?”

“Nah,” Ben replied. “Auntie Mon, I gotta use the bathroom!” He ran off, but before he got to the bathroom, he veered off and entered the dining room.

“Ah!” Kendra touched a burnt out match. “That’s hot.”

“Plates, plates,” Alice muttered. “Where the hell are the damn plates, Kendra?”

“Third cupboard to the left, behind the bowls,” Kendra recited. “Those are the really fancy ones, anyway. The normal ones are in the kitchen.”

“Go with the posh ones,” Alice decided, taking out two plates. “Wine-glasses?”

“Got them,” Ben told her. “Pass the plates.” He set out two slices of pizza on each plate, and the three schemers dimmed the lights.

“Perfect,” Kendra announced. The doorbell rang. “Ah! He’s here!” she cried. “Quick, let’s let him in, and show him in here.”

They raced to do so.

“Hey, Uncle Gunther,” Ben greeted him.

“Ben – how is Rachel?” Gunther asked, curiously.

“Fine,” Ben said, trying not to laugh. “Auntie Monica said to wait in the dining room until she came, okay?”

“Yeah. Tell Rachel I love— Tell Rachel I said hi,” Gunther corrected himself.

“Sure,” Ben agreed, as Gunther went into the dining room, and gave a small exclamation of surprise.

“Mom, Gunther’s here!” Kendra bellowed.

Monica rushed down the stairs. “Where is he?”

“Dining room,” the three chorused.

Phoebe followed Monica. “You guys ready to go see a movie?”

Monica went into the dining room just as Phoebe, Alice, Kendra and Ben were putting on their coats. Suddenly, they heard a loud exclamation.

“What the hell is going on here, Gunther?”